Who Are You And What Do You Need?
This is a newsletter with tea. You better drink it before it gets cold.
“I’m Nobody! Who are you? Are you Nobody too?” — Emily Dickinson, 1891
Yoooo,
I have tea. I hope you like your tea hot? Because, nna mehn.
The most ‘ridiculous’ thing happened to me this week: I had an emotional breakdown. I’ve probably had a couple in the past year. But when this one happened, and after tweeting about it, I felt so ridiculous: Why was I breaking down for something that wasn't a ‘big deal’. Maybe I’m dramatic, maybe my tears were valid, either way, I’ll tell you what happened.
In mid 2019, someone I didn’t know sent a message asking if I could do some work for her. I told her my rates, and she told me she couldn’t afford it, but that she wanted to work with me, etc. Genuinely believing in the project she was doing, seeing that it was great, something I’d love to be associated with, I laid out my terms and told her I was in, but that I needed to get credited for the work that I did. Every time anyone does a big project, there’s always someone behind the scenes doing some meticulous work that can’t be seen on the outside. I was one of those people. The project ended recently and lo and behold, I wasn’t given any credit. Zilch. Nada. When I approached her, she said the most ridiculous thing to me: It was a mistake. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I paused and haven't stopped pausing since then: (Is it really me, Ope Adedeji, that someone took fi idiat?) Someone needs to make me a shirt that says, ‘Sorry Doesn't Sweeten My Tea.’
Do you know what does? Giving to Caesar what belongs to Caesar (where Caesar is Ope).
The modern Latin phrase “damnatio memoriae” (condemnation of memory) is a grievous punishment. In history, it meant that the object of the punishment would be excluded from ALL official accounts for the crime he had committed; he was erased out of existence and history. It was considered a fate worse than death and was done to preserve the sanctity of the city. I can't begin to condense the magnitude of this punishment, this quest to erase every trace of a person's existence (including destroying their dead bodies) in one letter to you; consider reading about it. It was [perhaps] on this premise that people began to refer to the act of NOT seeing people (esp minorities), of ignoring their existence — the act of erasure — as a kind of violence.
‘‘Erasure is a blunt word for a blunt process. It goes beyond simplistic discussions of quotas to ask: Whose stories are taught and told? Whose suffering is recognised? Whose dead are mourned?’’ — Parul Sehgal.
In effect, not giving me credit for the work that I did, was a kind of erasure and more: it was taking credit for the work I did. Yes, it's a big deal, yes, you — I — deserve credit. I have a name, I worked for it, give me my accolades.
While I know now how to handle such matters delicately, beyond subs and emotional tantrums, here are a few things I wish I knew before, because these things happen or could happen to anyone, anywhere. Source: Harvard Business Review:
Take time to calm down (AKA Breathe.)
Assess the situation: What if it's just a mistake? An oversight?
Ask why the person didn't give you credit in the first place. Don't just accuse.
Remedy the situation. I had a conversation with my boss the morning after my breakdown or the discovery of what happened. Left to me, I'd have just left it haphazard as it was, told everyone I could to boycott the project. He advised that I send an email stating my grievances and highlighting the different ways I'd like for them to make it better.
That conversation made me realise that sometimes I forget to ask for help or advice. The person who said a problem shared is a problem halved might be on to something. The author of my devotion today wrote about an experience he had with his son. He once asked the little boy to take out some bags of trash even though he knew the bags were too heavy for him. The boy couldn't carry the bags but didn't want to accept his father’s help. He kept trudging, barely moving with the bags until his father took one from him.
Sometimes, sharing your problems with friends and the people around you, makes it lighter to carry. Sometimes, it comes with practical solutions. Sometimes, the person you're sharing with can only offer comfort or rage with you. And these are fine. They are valid responses, if only you respond to the implicit question friends and loved ones are almost always asking: What do you need?
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” - Nora Ephron
Ope's reads.
Still reading A Thousand Splendid Suns but making progress. I promise to be done by next week. Today, just after I did the penultimate thing on my to-do list, I read this and couldn’t do anything else. You need to read it, on the struggle to write as a woman when your partner (also a writer) is jealous of your success. Mad stuff.
Guess who’s now obsessed with reading about the royal family?
I just started watching The Crown on Netflix (please watch it). I’m also reading everything about it. My life is boring, why not obsess about someone else's?
Here are some some instructive reads: on how negativity can change a relationship, on why we all need work friends (forget everything you heard about your colleagues not being your friends), how to stop having the same argument over and over again, knowing when to quit.
Just how important is meditating? I get lost in my head too much, so this was an important read. The Day That Never Happened is creative nonfiction in which a family was attacked but never spoke to each other about it. And you know what it reminded me of? The Biafran war. In school, at home, no one told me about it. In government class, it was just ‘the civil war’. Just the thing that happened. Perhaps, this silence was an attempt to condemn its memory. Damnatio memoriae. Thankfully, we have more written accounts about it, and more people talking about their experiences. 50 years on, Nigeria still struggles with the memory of the civil war, but these books will help you understand.
The problem with the Disney princess and Tyler Perry's explanation of how ‘she’ got in the boat in Acrimony are two things you want to read this weekend.
I've committed to becoming more useful in a fun/restful kind of way every weekend. Last weekend, I was at Farm City and then Gypsy. This weekend, I have no plans yet, but hopefully, it’ll be good and instrumental in finishing a You-ish story I'm working on. I also got a journal and started journaling again. That has been nice.
PSA: Do you know Sari Botton (Longreads editor) recently made typos in her newsletter? Then she made a typo in a tweet explaining the grammar errors in her last letter. Please dears, no judgment or eye-rolling the next time you see verbs that disagree with the object or wrongly spelled words in my letter. Thanks and God bless. As she said, I toss these letters off in stolen moments between my job and various projects that pay. So, see them (the typos) as a part of the deal.
Talk soon and don’t forget to share!