What We Can Learn About Self-Promotion From Mothers
(Where Mother = Mrs Adedeji, @deaduramilade, Beyoncé and every self-loving, cheerleading queen out there.)
Hey you,
Let me be real here, I don’t know what I’m supposed to write in this letter. Usually, I have a million things I want to write, but today, I don’t know. I’m going to wing it, anyway. If winging it is an epic fail, tell me.
I’ve been on overdrive since the last time I wrote to you. I spent Friday at my parent’s house writing and editing. Being a Short Story Day Africa Fellow, or an editor generally means I’m constantly reading or editing something. This does not give me much time to read fiction or live, sadly.
On Saturday, I turned up at Fati’s wedding though. If you know Fati (@flawlessmilo), you know that she’s such a wholesome person; I just had to, you know, turn up.
My mum turned 58 on Saturday. She looks pretty young though, fifty-hot? Where was I when they were giving good genes? I want to fight somebody. While I love my mother so much, she annoys the shit out of me—this is a typical mother-daughter dynamic. Not so much these days though. Not living with her, and having older siblings that are well off has probably taken some pressure off her neck, and well, my neck.
Fun facts about my mum:
1. When she was younger, her cousins and siblings nicknamed her ‘Margaret Thatcher’.
2. She started driving when she was sixteen, but can only drive manual till today.
3. She’s had an unhealthy love for all kinds of nuts, especially peanut butter since she was in secondary school.
If you think I’m vain, you haven’t met my mum. She's always, always hyping herself and if there's anything I've learned from her (apart from a healthy saving habit) it's to be proud of myself. I’ve written about our relationship, somewhat on my medium.
Tuesday was the most interesting day this week (If we’re not counting GOTday). I went to the Google Nigeria office for a workshop (I am Remarkable) hosted by my friend, @deaduramilade. We had an important conversation about the ways in which women are not self-promoting. We made a list of the reasons we were remarkable at the end of the session. True to the Fabulous/Spicy Ops trope, the first reason I wrote was that I am ‘fucking sexy’. And that’s equally as important as being a self-taught editor, or being an amazing writer. We women often put ourselves down/downplay our achievements. In this essay, we find out that high-achieving women experience backlash because the behaviors that created their success violates our expectations about how women are supposed to behave. It made me wonder about my mum, who was a very successful banker for 30 years. That’s a conversation I’d like to explore with her someday. In this other essay, we find that women are hesitant to talk up their accomplishments because they are often penalized when they do. (Both essays H/T @deaduramilade.)
In other reads, Kirsten Weir explores the ways in which our body can respond to grief: Can You Die From a Broken Heart? On the New Yorker’s Annals of Crime (August 1953 issue), I read an investigative journalism essay on how a Manhattan sales girl was tricked by a man into shooting his “estranged” wife on a subway train. In this essay, we find out how people—couples, lovers, friends, roommates, relatives—deal with disagreements especially when it’s political. In this Tin House essay, John Freeman writes about growing up with his parents. Speaking of parents, my lovely mummy, Beyoncé released magic that had me smiling all through yesterday—Homecoming, a concert documentary. While there are several take-homes, jot-downs, it was great to hear her remind me of how important it is to be proud of myself, the work that I do, my process, struggles etc.
Since I’ve started writing about music, let me tell you a bit about what I’m listening to. I discovered Seinabo Sey watching Grey’s Anatomy. My lovely friend, Tobi made me a playlist when I was having a difficult morning (It’s hard being a boss to anyone or anything, yikes, how do mums do it?), anyway my fave songs off it were Angus and Julia Stones’ ‘Chateau’, Muyiwa ft Tofa’s ‘Rara’ and Maisie Peters’ ‘Favourite Ex’. These were hard choices to make, the playlist was so good! Does it seem like I like sad love songs? Possibly. ‘Go with me’ by my gorgeous friend, Dwin, The Stoic, was released this week. I was a wakapass in the video! Yay! Time to start my career as a video vixen.
This short holiday, while trying not to be ‘lonely’, I’ll be thinking about loneliness as encapsulated in this essay on the difference between solitude and loneliness, and the physiological effects of loneliness.
“What does it feel like to be lonely? It feels like being hungry: like being hungry when everyone around you is readying for a feast. It feels shameful and alarming, and over time these feelings radiate outwards, making the lonely person increasingly isolated, increasingly estranged.”
Happy Holidays! Special thanks to @Oshomah for making me this signature gif!