The Problems With Pressure
On rice, no sugar January and being hard on yourself for the wrong reason.
Hi you,
Before I started writing to you, I was thinking about how Nigerian white rice is boring. If I ever go back to eating rice regularly, I’d like for it to be something nice like Chinese shrimp fried rice. It has the right proportion of vegetables, shrimp and flavour to make you forget you’re eating rice. But that’s a weird train of thought because I haven’t eaten rice regularly in over three years. It started January 2017, the year I was in law school. My mother put me on the keto diet, and suddenly, it was normal for me not to eat rice. That was also the year I stopped drinking soda and started drinking alcohol — a sweet red wine here, a can of beer there. I only recently made the connection between stopping soda and picking up alcohol — a fine line I should have seen; the need to compensate. On the other hand, I had no withdrawals and (or) alternative for rice. It happened and seamlessly so.
I haven’t been successful with forming other food habits. Like stopping bread. I’m not sure why. I’m willing to test out my resilience and consistency again by stopping sugar this January.
Another thing I’ve only just realised, that seems to be a direct result of this food/habit forming experience is that I actually enjoy cooking. This is my theory of how it happened: When I started my diet, my mother never forced me to learn how to make keto meals (as she did other meals when we were younger “because women”: blending egg plant and turning it under heat, so it becomes soft and jelly like amala, making zero noodles that taste like regret if you don’t make it right, etc.) This and the fact that she learned to make all of these from recipes shared on a Keto Facebook group and on Youtube perhaps helped her understand that cooking is never that serious. The lack of pressure from her end made me realise, Oh, cooking might be nice. And before I forget, happy new year, you!
Back to this idea of “no pressure” —
— not in the sarcastic way that implies or actually means pressure, but really, no pressure. I tweeted recently, and have told everyone that cares to listen that a lot of people I know are getting married. They’re not just people I know, but people in my age grade — or specifically, people who went to primary or secondary school with me. People who when I think of them (outside of their pictures on social) all I see is them in green pinafores or blue Dowen blazers. Innocence. I started thinking about marriage a lot because of this AND —
— and neighbours or family members or friends of my parents, going on and on about how I’m next (ever since my sister got married in 2017). How I’ll soon be having babies (WTF?)
The idea is ‘appealing’, but right now, I’m in no rush. And that’s just me. What about other young girls who feel pressured — to please their parents, to please society, to get that favourable status that married women have. Everyone knows how Lagos landlords discriminate against single women, how generally, people respect you when you wear a man on your arm like an accessory and a ring on your ring finger. And because everyone is doing it, like everything else, it suddenly becomes attractive.
“The way our society puts pressure on women to ‘get a man’ and get married is so sad. Please stick to your own path and timeline. Things will happen in your life when they are supposed to. Especially marriage, kids etc... and it’s ok not to want those things too.” - Stephanie Busari
Pressure can be a cruel thing — both internal and external. This year, I have one overall slogan: no pressure (not to be confused with overall goal). We will do the work oh, but none of that physical, emotional or mental force to do X for the wrong reasons. It's not just about marriage. It's also about the goals set for the year.
Yes, there is a healthy dose of pressure required to achieve anything; the place that removes you from sluggish or dormant to a go-getter. But knowing when you cross that line? That's not exactly easy. It’s going from, “I need to do this so we can grow” to “I need to do this so that everyone on social knows I did it or so that my boss can praise me”. This pressure is pushing yourself too hard in order to meet external expectations, or just worrying about your ability to meet others' expectations of you. You may have even set the expectation yourself, but for the wrong reason. That sort of thing.
Ask yourself why are you doing that thing that you're pressuring yourself to do. If it's rooted in social acceptance, validation or for external praise, try reconsidering.
Do you really want to do it? In the end this might not matter, but it’s worth asking.
Do you need to do it?
Ask yourself: is this something I can always do? Is there a time cap on achieving it?
Ask yourself what your weaknesses are. Sometimes realising you're not very good at something is a good start to becoming better.
Like with my recent love for cooking, sometimes, you have to detach from the pressure before you come into yourself. Push yourself in 2020, but know your limits and do it for the right reasons.
Ope's Reads.
I started reading Khaled Hosseini's A Thousand Splendid Suns which I first read in 2014. I'm also still reading Chimamanda's Americanah, so that I can be happy with Obinze this time. I renewed my New York Times subscription and I'm going to read tf out of their articles. If I'm always sharing articles from The Times with you, just know that's why. I just discovered their The Vows column and I think it's got a wonderful idea behind it and some lovely stories like this one. I love it the way I love Modern Love. I'm a sucker for love. This morning my mother warned me not to write dates shortening 2020 as 20. This was based on a BC she'd seen (perhaps not exclusively). I brushed off her concerns and then saw this article on the Y2K fear. If we're being honest, I was alive during Y2K but was I really there? Lmao. Two good reads to start (or continue an already started) year: the problem of making your career your identity, 13 lessons from 13 years of brain pickings (with lessons like: it's okay to change your mind and why you should do nothing exclusively for approval (reinforces my point on pressure.) I could relate to this one on the connection between free time (or the lack of) with happiness. I'm happiest when I'm busy working or doing things I'm passionate about. Finally, this on giving up sugar.
Here's to a great year of achieving things and getting things right without pressuring ourselves too much or caving in under external pressure. (Sorry for keeping this long, ugh). Don’t forget to share with someone!