Lessons In Love (And A Few Random Photographs)
Hey you,
Happy holidays. I hope you’ve had a better holiday than I have had so far. I always look forward to Christmas, and yet, I didn’t enjoy Christmas this year. Not because anything peculiar happened, but because the Christmas traditions that took a lifetime to build were absent this year. My siblings and I didn’t stay up in the verandah, gazing at the stars, making silly, hilarious videos that we’d cringe about in a few years (because one is abroad and one has moved out completely).
The house didn’t buzz with music. There was no sweet-smelling Jollof rice wafting from the kitchen. No Christmas decor hanging from the open space upstairs, or a Christmas tree full of lights. I’m grateful for what the day signifies — eternally so — but going by standards, it was like any ordinary day. If there’s anything it taught me though, it’s that as long as we’re alive, we can continue to make new traditions. It’s not a new lesson to me; almost a year ago, I wrote about that here.
This holiday and the entire year have been full of lessons. One of the most important for me is learning to love. Why? I suck at loving people, always taking offenses to chest, not reciprocating their energies, etc. This year, I told myself I wanted to do better -- this was way before I found romantic love, so it's not the motivating factor.
How do you learn to love? In so many ways. Importantly, by opening yourself and seeing others as important as you are. You learn to love by placing value on the people who make up your community.
A lot of the things that informed my lessons (which I'm trying as much as I can to put in practice) is biblical. But I think they are basic and can be extrapolated, even if you’re not Christian or religious. The problem is that we take them for granted, simple as they may be. I’ll list a few here. (NB: This does not prioritise romantic relationships over friendships or familial relationships. Where they are specific to one kind, I’ll mention.)
Paying attention: I often zone out when people are speaking to me and end up thinking of the most random shit like, Why is their head shaped like a wheelbarrow? I realise that when you listen, your relationship with them improves significantly. And it’s not just by nodding your head, or contributing in conversation, but it’s also about taking cues — looking at their body language, seeing their needs, and responding to them. It also follows that you recognise their love language, even if it differs from yours. This year, I tried my hands at gifting randomly and sending words of affirmation because these were the things I felt made my friends feel good.
Talking to them: Tobi made me promise to stop doing the silent treatment, and I realised it's an awful habit I have. Everyone I know says that they hate confrontation, and I hate it too, but guess what I also hate? The queasy feeling I get when I bottle things up and expect the person who offended me to know what or how I feel. It’s hilarious because, in your head, you’re already making theories about why they did that thing that made you feel that way, meanwhile they don’t even know that you feel a certain way. Talking about it clears it up, tells them how you feel, creates intimacy, helps them know your needs, etc. Broadly, these two things fall under communicating well. A part of loving anyone is about being open (transparent) and vulnerable with them.
Be there for them: AKA show up and keep going out of your way to show up. If there’s anything I think I’m good at, it’s showing up for my friends. You’re getting married? I’ll be there and will go out of my way to help you fill in the gaps. You need x and can’t afford it? I’ll look for where to find it or just make it my problem. Feel like you need to talk to someone, I will nod to death, never disagreeing, never offering unsolicited opinions except I feel they're necessary.
Be very interested in them: What they love, what they do for a living, their interests, etc. Care about them and show them you do. Tobi is so actively invested in the work that I do that he’s jokingly referred to as a part-time Zikoko staff. And when we talked about what we look forward to next year, my second PERSONAL goal was his first goal. He’s the one who’s specifically taught me this
Give them space: Sometimes, people need space. They might not tell you this, but sometimes, just move back a little. Maya Angelou said, true love liberates, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Be honest with them: My mum generally has good fashion sense for an almost 60-year-old. Other times, she doesn’t and telling her that dress doesn’t look nice, can be hard, but you know what? It’s got to be done. Maybe this is too light, maybe it’s not as serious as passing on bad news, or telling them something wrong you did or that they're the most disorganised person on earth. I just try to be honest. You should too.
I’ll title this letter to you Lessons in Love 1. Sometime next year, I’ll do a second and maybe third part, with more specific examples of personal experiences. But keeping it short, this is all I have to tell you in this letter.
It’ll be the second day of a new year, a week from now. Stay safe and keep spreading the love. I wish you a happy holiday again! Shout out to Osh whose birthday is today!