Happiness is a Butterfly
Hello Lovely,
I have a theory that my sad days are my most productive. Hence, this week has been super productive — excluding today because I mostly crashed and burnt.
Why was I sad? I told everyone that cared to ask that I didn’t know — which was/is a half-truth/half-lie. I knew my triggers, some of which you might relate to: tweets that reminded me of my loneliness, not meeting important deadlines, feelings of inadequacy built off of comparisons etc — it all came down to SM. To feel better, I told myself it’s only "one of those days", that it would pass (I promise you, I checked flo 100 times to be sure it wasn’t period/ovulation hormones). Gladly, it’s passed.
2015 was my happiest year of recent memory, not because I achieved anything special; I was after all overweight (to clarify I say this in context of my self-loathing/body image issues/struggles — I respect big women), in a university I hated, and as loveless as I still am (can’t exactly say I’m loveless right now sha, but gist for another day). That year, I learned how to navigate life’s regular doses of sadness by “choosing happiness” — a cliche I know barely works, doesn’t work now, at least — so how did I do it? (If you ask me, na who I go ask?) I do wish I had documented that period, for comparison, and leads on how to circumvent the harsh reality that is adult life.
Even though I started feeling a lot better by Tuesday, I still avoided Twitter, and didn’t read anything. I feel awful, but I’ll make it up to you by sharing music that makes me float. We all know that music has that power, and more than anything, in this period, I’m grateful for it.
Happiness is a Butterfly by Lana Del Rey: “Happiness is a Butterfly/We should catch it while dancing high/Lose myself in the music, baby/Everyday is a lullaby/Try to catch it like lighting high etc…” Seeing as I sexually identify as a Butterfly (LOL), or that Butterflies are a mood I aspire to, it was amazing listening to this breathtaking teaser over and over again. It made me so happy.
“Don't carry on carrying efforts/Somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow.” - Sufjan Stevens, "Enchanting Ghost". This line in this love song I’m very sure I’m misinterpreting — but art is open to various interpretations, init? — gave me the chills. Sometimes, we are in a hurry for things to happen, and then do things we shouldn’t, just because. It’s important to remember that there’s really no rush; we all have our own pace and "there's room for each of us to grow". In the words of a wise old sage, Osh,
“I know there’s a lot you want to do and you feel like you’re not doing them as fast as you want to. But right now, you’re like in a melting pot, you’re the gold; you’re being fashioned into something real fancy and shiny like the golden sun.”
There is is a process to everything. Trust it.
Solange’s "Mad" ft Lil Wayne sort of starts off quoting the bible: James 1:2-4: “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations.” (Read my fave version of it, via the Message Bible linked above.) Even if you’re not Christian, I think this is a sort of word to live by. While you have a right to your emotions (anger, jealousy, rage etc — don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!) you need to know how to channel them, and when to let go. “Mad” was all I needed to remind me of this.
Other songs that helped me get through the week include: London Grammar’s “Who Am I?”, Billie Eilish’s “I Love You”, FKA twigs “Cellophane”, Seinabo Sey’s “Breathe” (an exceptionally beautiful song) and weirdly, as my sister and I were waiting for our Uber on Tuesday morning, we randomly broke into Midnight Crew’s “This Fuji Thing” — it brought out my inner omo wobe.
In other news, I recently started working part time with an Investment startup. I think I love it (too early to say but it’s new and it’s challenging). Like the rest of the world, I watched Avengers Endgame and S8Ee3 of GOT and loved every single second. (Let’s take a full year of silence to appreciate storytellers and the amazing crew, actors etc behind both films.) My plants are still dying, sigh. I’m still a Short Story Day Africa fellow, and it has been one of the most challenging but refreshing experiences of my life.
Some of the things I bookmarked to read include: Millennials selling equity in themselves to pay for college (What does this even mean? Sounds interesting, doesn’t it?), “Species of Grief” on the death of Meghan Daum’s father and dog, “Frida Kahlo’s Affair with Leon Trotsky” (Everyone knows how much I love Frida!), “What Catwoman Taught Me About Sexuality”, “What I Learned From Doing Amateur Porn”, “The Summer I Became a Thief”, “What Does it Mean to Survive” (my friend, Tolu Daniel for Barren Magazine!) and "The dream of Biafra lives on in underground Nigerian radio broadcasts" (Tosin for LA times!) etc.
I’ll be thinking about how to live better this week. I’ll be thinking about living in the moment, happily, especially. I’ll try not to worry much; will be staying away from the things that trigger me, and will be doing the things I love to do: write, read, and work! I’ll keep in mind what Albert Camus said:
“There’s no love of life without despair of life.”