Are Friendships Overrated?
Hey you,
Yes you.
Do you know that by virtue of receiving this mail, you’re a friend or at least, an acquaintance?
I almost fell into a black hole (and speaking of black holes, Katie Bouman and her team created something amazing! See feature image) and lost a good friend. Not to death, God forbid (Yes, I’m a Yoruba mother). I almost lost a friend through silence, assumptions, misinterpreted emotions and indifference. Thankfully, this week, under dim lights (so that I didn’t have to make eye contact), I was able to do damage control—a nervous but defensive confrontation—after which everything melted like butter under heat. Lessons? Several. Importantly, honest communication is very necessary in friendships; don’t imply where you can ask and clarify.
In this era of “cutting off”, & the crass use of the word “toxic” to describe old friends, what is friendship and what is its value? C.S Lewis says it is unnecessary and has no survival value, but that it’s one of those things that give value to survival. For Maria Popova, a friend is:
“... a person before whom we can strip our ideal self in order to reveal the real self, vulnerable and imperfect, and yet trust that it wouldn’t diminish the friend’s admiration and sincere affection for the whole self, comprising both the ideal and the real.”
Need I say more?
What did I do this week?
On Saturday, one of my oldest friends got married. We’ve known each other since nursery school at Women Society, University of Lagos. It was at her wedding reception I first started thinking of friendships and the beauty of traditional wedding ceremonies.
On Sunday, I went to Farm City for the first time, and the food was good. I recommend, especially for the view of the water.
Work continued as usual on Monday till Wednesday; I paced my days with long walks during lunch.
On Wednesday, I sat in on a meeting at Sterling Bank HQ. We are working on an exciting project I can’t say anything about yet. Consider following Ouidabooks on twitter for updates.
Today, I was at at the King’s College London Creative Intermediaries Forum. It held at Angels and Muse, and featured several stakeholders in the Nigerian creative industry. (Aside: am I battling anxiety? I really didn’t want to go. Even when my cab was on Third Mainland Bridge, I kept thinking of excuses to turn back.)
What did I read?
Lots. Why are we killing ourselves? No view on the Nigerian perspective, but this theory posits that our expectation for success is too high and we don’t know how to accept failure. True? The General is not much without an Army, so why are we obsessed with the one person hero narrative and not the collective of people who come out to protest and clamor for social change? I don't know, but I love this picture and everything it says about women changing the narrative.
Is fragility our biggest limitation? Find out in this essay that discusses machines in our workplace as colleagues and not monsters who’ve come to put us out of jobs. Does this mean AI is not a fundamental existential risk for humans? Speaking about humans, how profound is the impact of noise and silence on us? In this intense essay Rachel Aviv writes about the challenges of coming off psychiatric drugs. And in this podcast, Maris Kreizman reads her essay "Cast by Chronic Illness into a Limiting Role" on not wanting it to be her identity. Still on identity, how does it feel when you're mixed race? Is it true that ‘What people choose to call themselves is less important than what they believe and how they speak and act as a result’? And how much of who we are is biology? How much is learned?
I read a lot more but I’d rather not overwhelm you—please read at your pace and share your thoughts.
To end this letter, read this essay on the delicate nature of love and the problem with self consciousness in love. James Baldwin is quoted saying: “Loving anybody and being loved by anybody is a tremendous danger, a tremendous responsibility.”