A Lot of Thoughts
Let's start with hair.
I cut my hair early last year after some sort of trauma hit in December 2017. The kind of trauma that makes you feel like you're spiralling out of control. I dyed it and told everyone I needed a new look. Couldn't say anything about what really happened, not after Home, at least. I started to grow my hair in August of the same year because I was bored lmao. And then like all things, my sisters made it a competition and I started competing with them over hair length. Myth has it that I took all the hair in my family. I'm writing this because it's remarkable how much change has taken place between the first hair cut and now.
Last year at Aké. This year just before Ake.
Unbelievable.
I watched unbelievable and I couldn't breathe and then I thought of my hair. Unbelievable tells the story of Marie, a teen who reports being raped, but recants her story because the detective in charge makes her doubt that it happened — he believed it was a lie based on her Foster mum's observation that she was erratic. She gets charged with providing a false statement. A few years later, after a few more rape cases, two female detectives follow evidence that reveal who the rapist is. You should see it.
A lot of people are eager to express anger over alleged false rape accusations. But there's no outrage for rape reports. No one asks a robbery victim if they were really robbed. But with rape victims, it's different. I waited and waited for the tangible reason the rapist would give and disappointed myself by waiting. Did I mention it's based on a true story?
Breathe.
I tell myself to breathe just after I think to myself, I just want to die. It could be for a number of reasons: pain, discomfort, sadness, watching Unbelievable, that I'm not doing enough of what I love — writing and reading. It's for the same reason I took a break last week. The pressure I put on myself is enormous; it doesn't feel like there are results to show, but I'm learning to breathe, and that working smart is fundamentally different from working hard.
Reflecting: October 2009 vs. October 2019.
10 years ago, I was in SS2 in a new school. Quick story: I like to tell my secondary school story, but I don't tell it enough. I spent my junior school years in one school where my older siblings had been previously. They were top of their sets and won prizes every session; all the teachers knew them. Me? I was an okay student — if coming top 10 out of 50 counts as okay. I hated the school — oh fuck it, it was ISL — because the teachers ALWAYS compared me to them. When I left because my family moved houses and I went to boarding school, things changed and for the first time I felt like I had my identity outside of my siblings. So back to 10 years ago: SS2. I'd always wanted to become a lawyer and that's what I studied to become. I was interested in human rights and thought I'd follow the path. But I'm not practicing and might never. I'm a writer and that's something I've always wanted to be. It's shocking, how much my career interests haven't changed. Largely, I'm where I wanted to be 10 years ago.
Small Goals.
My goals in the next few weeks include reading a lot more. No excuses. I'm on one book a week until December. And for my next trick, I'll attempt writing a short story/flash fiction every week till the year ends. What are your goals?
Aké Festival
Still on reflecting: a few years ago, I was a dreamer. Today, I'm still a dreamer, but one who's experiencing her dreams. I'm a guest at Aké this year, after five years of being behind the scenes. Am I nervous? Hell yes. I'll be moderating a panel on the makings of a graphic novel.
Buchi Emecheta's The New Tribe.
I'm going to write a review of the beauty that is this book (hopefully). It tells the story of one boy's search for identity, but beyond this, there's a story about motherhood and womanhood. That's my one book for the week.
Talk to you real soon. 🤭♥️